where does it go from here

where does it go from here.   one minute i'm up, next i'm down.  in a breath i understand which direction i'm going and then i'm lost.  i'm forty years old and i still have no clue which direction my life is going??  is that normal, do all other people go thru this??  

since my parents have passed away i really have no one to ask.  well i think there are a few people, but god knows i wanna look like i'm grown up, like i got it all together, like i know what i'm doing.  but then i sit down and i really have no clue sometimes.  

i have a job and a place to live, a car, i pay my bills and yet there is this sense that something is missing?  sometimes i'll admit i think it's a man, then i realize nope, that's not it either.  then maybe it's having a child, then i spend time with the teen i live with and, nope that's not it either??  

what's the missing part of me....  where did i go astray??  who am i supposed to be, where does it go from here....  

our world is so messed up and who knows which direction we will go next.  good/bad, happy/sad, i think those depend on how you look at things.  i mean i realize things are tough and we need to pay attention to all that we do, but if you look around, we are still very blessed people.  

maybe my direction is farther south, north, maybe east, west?  i still don't know.  i know who i am, i know what  i want in some area's of my life.  it just seems when i know what i want, it eludes me...  funny thing my desires are simple.  

guess maybe the simple things are the hardest to achieve.  let's see:

someone to spend my life with

a child to call my own

a home

a family

debt free

stable

a life filled with laughter/joy/pain/beautiful disaster, life.... lived to it's fullest

good friends

understanding of my past and open minded to my future....

goodness, my path can go in any direction...  

i once was given a scripture and it's seems funny now...  prov 3-5 & 6:  trust in the lord with all your heart, lean not in to your own understand and he will direct your path(paraphrased).   i guess i've never learned to trust...  i keep my heart hidden though some think they know, they don't.  some think they have me figured out, they don't.  what lies beneath...  a strange and wonderful configuration that makes up me....

guess i need to work on that trust thing and see what it brings??  i'm scared and i wanna know where does it go from here....

work review

got my six month work review yesterday and my self esteem about my job hit a major low.  i have worked in the same industry for almost 19yrs.  been with several different companies, but did the same job.  we process medicaid claims and thru the years several companies have bought us out.  let's see i started with GTE, then Verizon, and now Infocrossing.  same job contracted thru the state.  long time doing the same thing.  

i was a data entry operator for 17 years to the day and then i moved to being a participant services rep.  that just means i went from keying the claims to talking to the public about their issues with the claims.  LOL

at first it was an overwhelming change.  i thought i had lost my mind to take on this challenge.  see i had done data entry so long that i was second nature and had been an experienced keyer for many years.  i could do in my sleep.  it no longer challenged me and an opportunity arose and so i took it.  i was so scared, new people, different job, i had to know so much more.  

i took the job and within weeks my boss changed and i had to be shifted around to several different people training me.  it was crazy.  i came home and cried.  "what have i done, i'll never learn all this."  

ya see i went from knowing my job and doing it daily, no surprises to this...  i answer the phone and lord knows what i'm gonna get.  sometimes i'm a helper, worker, confidant, pharmacist, dr, lawyer, psychiatrist, social worker, friend, stranger... you name it and it comes across my line.  i pride myself in always doing what i can to help that person on the other end.  one never knows where someone's life has taken them.  

in taking this job however, i never realized how much i would have to learn and keep inside my head.  medicaid changes daily.  i have to know today, yesterday and guess about what's gonna happen tomorrow.  i have 6 books of information on my desk that i read and keep up with.  i have two that are my "bibles."  

now after almost two years i have moved from low man on the totem pole to almost one of the top.  we have lost several people and so i had to step it up.  scares me to death.  LOL

this week got my review by my new boss(second one since i been in that department, go figure) and due to some statistics and over 75% of the people being new within the last year, some of the things on the review had me pondering my ability.  

i was so upset i cried again.  i thought, god i really have made a mistake??  i'm an hour early to work everyday, i volunteer anytime i'm needed, it take as many calls as i can, i've learned a new phone line all the while helping all the others who are new, as they seem to come to me for help.  

i felt like the bottom dropped out...  ya know...  like i couldn't answer the question right and what the heck was i doing??  

i emailed my boss with my concerns after spending a long night tossing an turning over my inadequacies...  to her saving grace she put me at ease and informed me that it was only a growth type review and the final one would be up to her and as she sees it now, i'm doing great!!!  

she even said, "what would i do without you.  your positive outlook and ability to calm people and help when needed.  your great."

i feel a little better, still hesitant as my personality wants to be perfect??  go figure...  LOL fat girl who wants perfection...  that's kinda a contradiction in terms, but's i'ts me and god knows i'm aiming??  

so work review behind me, crazy job ahead...  go forth and conquer...  answer the downtroden and help all those that come across the phone line...  

till next we meet...  safe and blessed journeys all of you...

confused and unsure

a week ago i thought i had some things figured out and now here i am totally confused and almost unsure of each step i take.  my life seems to take these turns and i know your supposed to just follow the path, see what comes up next, but i just can't seem to let myself do that.  if i do i always seem to get burned or end up on the wrong end of the stick, so to say.  

let's see, a week ago my romantic situation was as stable as could be for the moment, i like him, he makes me laugh, we have a good time, BUT??  there is more that i want and i'm not sure he can give it to me...  he's not a public display of affection kinda guy, he isn't tender the way i want, he is set in his ways.  he has some big time complications that don't include me, he's never romantic, he's a talker not a listener.  

he can be tender but only at certain times, he will hold my hand but i'm always the one doing the touching.  until now i guess i was able to look past all that and just accept what he was giving.  now it's sunday a week later and something else has come up.  

there is someone i really like, he intrigues me, he compliments me, he makes me think, he challenges me to want better, and he listens when i talk.  i know he isn't perfect but there is this something that draws me to him and yet deep down i know he would never give me a chance...  i'm unsure of why i feel that way, i just do...  maybe cause we got the cart before the horse and to him i'm just "fun".  i talked with the one i'm seeing(kinda) and all the while i'm wanting someone else?? 

this makes me feel horrible, i never wanted to do this or expected to feel this way.  i can leave things alone and see where the road leads, but then part of me wonders if i just wait then i may end up alone??  

i want forever...  doesn't have mean a ring, but i hope it does.  i want that one person who i know is mine and who shares the same sort of things i do...  someone who is tender/soft/unyielding/a leader/smart/talented/has some untamed part of himself/understanding and more than anything who wants me...  

guess i'm too picky or expect too much??  i don't know what to do, i don't wanna hurt anyone but i don't wanna settle either.  confused and unsure??  advice anyone???

the saving grace of a new day

it's a new day, the sun is shining it's fall and it's beautiful.  as i took my dog max out to go to the bathroom i realized that each new day brings a fresh start.  if we want it too...

with this start it's our choice to either make it good or bad??  things happen to us.  we don't always have control, but it's how we deal with them that makes the day.  lately i have found myself making my days bad.  

my outlook is a little bleak, my roommate lost her job a few months ago and we are going down hill.  it seems as if we may not have a place to live in a few months if this goes on much longer, but thru it all i have been the voice of reason to her and her teenager daughter.  each time she gets down, i tell her, "hang in there, it will be ok."  "don't give up, be positive."  

goodness i have been looking at her and trying to uplift her and yet my own inner workings have been on delay...  i know that sounds funny, but inside my head are a million things.  it seems that my brain never sleeps.  

so as i'm standing outside this morning, the wind is blowing and it's one of those mornings where i know that god is still there...  most people don't like the fall, because of the rain, the cold, the leaves falling, but i have never looked at it that way.  to me it's a time of change.  it's a time when you can leave behind the hurts of the summer.  be washed clean by the cool rain and like the leaves, drop off all the things that hold you back.  move forward into the next season fresh and clean.  winter can come and you can renew so by spring you are ready to become something you weren't before.  

think of it this way, it's a time to leave behind what's been weighing you down, and let the cold winter blow thru you and refresh you.  allow it to heal you in your time alone...  then when the spring comes you are new and better than before.  i know this may sound crazy and i myself have had times where this doesn't work, but i want a different spring...  i want more...  

i realize i'm the maker of my destiny...  i need to allow god to fulfill all the promises he has made to me, to let him pull away my "leaves" of hurt, to change and become.  

so as you walk thru your fall days, think of the beauty and the ability to realize that the new day is a saving grace.  you made to another one, your breathing and you able to move in your world.  affect someones life, just by being you??

thank you god for the fall and the saving grace of a new day...

i hate cinderella!!!

if ever the world and people could see me for who i really am... i live in this house and i walk through this world being someone on the inside that no one knows.  the things i want out of life are so simple...  

i want a home of my own, a car to get me where i need to go, a job that pays the bills and gives me a sense of accomplishment, i want my bills paid off.  more than any of those things and god knows i would give up everything for this... i want a love that will last, i want a man who will love me like i love him.  simple old fashioned love.  the kind where you hold hands until the day you die...  it has eluded me as if i'm not good enough, as if i'm not worthy...  

i look around and see people who are unclean, who have no teeth, have no sense of pride in themselves and next to them is someone holding their hand....  they are looking at them as if they hung the moon??  what in the world did i do wrong??  

i sometimes believe that god is mad at me?  i know he isn't but it sure feels that way.  i go for days and i'm ok...  i can do this, i'm a big girl...  i can take care of myself and yes i can, but i don't want to...  

i wanna come home to someone, i wanna wake up and just know that he is there...  i wanna cry in his arms when i need to...  i wanna look across the room and catch my breath because i realize i love this man more than life itself...  yes i'm self sufficient, i pay my own way...  i don't NEED anyone, i just want....

growing up you believe in cinderella and prince charming and then you look in the mirror and you are so far from her....  

she was blond, you have dark hair... 

she had blue eyes, you have a green and a blue one(freak??)

she was lean and thin, you are short and fat

was kind and soft spoken, you are hurt and sometimes harsh

she has the latest fashion, you wear what fits

she has prince charmings heart, you have nothing

 

one glimpse and this what i see...  for most of my life i have been told i was pretty, BUT, if i would lose weight i would be beautiful.  how could i ever measure up to her??  i know she's a fairy tale, but not really...  i look around and i see versions of her all the time, i guess it's not meant to be for me....  

i wish i could just close the book and stop wishing, and if anyone knows how, please let me know.  i hate Cinderella she started all this... how do i move forward??  how do i become and achieve all the things i wish for??  i don't have a clue...  

next month is my birthday and once again it's looking like i will be alone...  it hurts and it scares me...  who will love me when i'm old, who will stand beside my bed and love into the next life??  who will be my prince charming...  the bible says, a man that findeth a wife findeth a good thing...  i guess i'm not a good thing??  

well anyway, i hate cinderella and if ever she becomes real, i'm kicking her ass!!!  for now, i still wait...  maybe one day it will be my turn....

 

the beginning

i guess i should say hello and introduce myself, but i figure if you read this it won't take you long to figure me out a little.  well, depending on who you are and stuff it might take you a bit, but i'm pretty much what you see is what you get.   

i write like i talk and that isn't always correct or proper, but what the heck... i'm from middle america, country and a little bit city.  sorry about no punctuation my job allows me to type all day long an not such thing, so no caps, no fancy stuff...  just plain me...

anywho, girls like me??  i bet your wondering what the heck kinda title is that??  well, i'm a big beautiful woman.  a bbw for short.  i'm always feel weird about the beautiful part, but it comes with it....  in my world so far beautiful isn't exactly how i usually see myself.  

i try my best to look nice when i go somewhere and i always smell good, but when you grow up being overweight you never quite grasp the concept that you just might be beautiful.    i was told the other day by a friend that i was cute?  i was astonished and it threw me back a little bit??  what the heck was he thinking??  but then i talked to him about it and i realized he really meant it...  "thanks" i needed that button turned back on...  

my life is kinda crazy and i've always said i would write a soap opera, but then there are points where it's really boring and i know no one in their right mind would watch it.  god knows some days my life bores the heck out of me...

well, today was a good day...  work was slow, trying to make new friends within my job and wanting to be more??  then got to visit with a friend and that was the best part of the day considering the rest of the evening was spent listeing to a "bitchy" teenager, filling the dog food/cat food and making her clean the cat pan...  she always hates that job, but it's done and now i'm doing this... EXCITING!!!!

i did however have a light bulb moment tonight while on my way home from my friends...  i am worth something, i'm worth loving, little symbols of affection, someone to spend time with me.  i want that and i'm beginning to see that i have started to settle for less than what i deserve...  thanks my friend, you know who you are!!!